What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 00:32
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I never cut or harmed myself..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do people see porn pics when they can watch porn videos instead?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Who then, do I blame.?
What does K mean in Vietnamese?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
How much should one budget to travel for 1 month generally?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She loved him until the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were not on the streets..
And i lived it daily.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was 9 years of age.
Why do some people dislike Gilmore girls?
She married twice! .
He resisted the act ,that day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So, i spoilt her more .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why is my ex trying to provoke an argument with me?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I think the readers, may guess!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i do to all so called friends.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My life is so biszare .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im still living with it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We all went to grammer schools
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot live in the past .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My family never makes their pension either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I don,t even have a pension.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But it wasn’t much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was seconnd youngest,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I said to her
Put me off passion for life!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
This is soul school!.
All the time i was locked up.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She wouldn,t have been !
She was in good health!
I waited trembling.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Comes on , in middle age.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He knew the spot.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Would this be the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I have no regrets .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It was going to be , some day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I will be 64.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
What did i know ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I write beautiful poetry .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But, we were locked up after school.
When she asked me how she looked .